Mythbusters: The Feather Edition

The following ran in Saturday’s edition of ‘The Committed Indian’:

During our daily visits through the interwebs, we’ll occasionally come across an item that gets us thinking.  When one-third of Second City Hockey’s three-headed monster, Mr. Killion, posted his piece earlier this week about the possible correlation between a goalie’s save percentage and the amount of shots he faces, we were intrigued.  (For the record, he thought it “plausible” that those goalies who faced the fewest shots also had the highest save percentages, but it’s a discussion for another day.)

In turn, it got us thinking about other myths we may hear on a given night at the United Center; which are fact and which are based on Dominic from Oak Lawn ordering one too many $9 Jager Bombs seemed a worthy inquiry. 

So with that, we offer our tribute to Mr. Killion for his fine work (because a 1200 word prose about which cast of Star Trek was the best may not be what you’re interested in reading) and bring to you a more extended version of Mythbusters: The Feather Edition.

Joel Quenneville isn’t the right coach for the Blackhawks right now, because he’s never won a Stanley Cup; let alone a conference championship.  At first glance, this statement seems perpetually ridiculous.  Maybe because it sounds similar to the buffoonish argument from a couple years ago when people tried to claim Joe Crede was a better player than A-Rod because of his propensity to perform in the clutch. (How’s that looking these days?)  Logic would tell you it’s usually not the coach who decides the players’ fate, but vice versa.

A closer look at history reveals something very telling, though.  Since 1980, there have been exactly two coaches at the head of a Stanley Cup Champion who didn’t win at least a conference championship by their fifth year of coaching. 

In the 1979-80 campaign and in his tenth year of coaching, Al Arbour was at the helm for the New York Islanders, having not won either a Conference Championship or Stanley Cup prior to that point.

In 1992-93, Jacques Demers won a Cup with the Montreal Canadiens in his ninth year of coaching, not having reached the Stanley Cup Finals before.  (What still boggles the mind is that he was illiterate at the time.  Good thing there was nothing wrong with his eyes, though, because if he didn’t ask for a measurement of Marty McSorely’s stick in Game 2, maybe Los Angeles ends up hoisting the Cup.  Ok, now we’re getting off track.)

Every other Cup winner’s head coach during the past 29 seasons has at least appeared in a Cup Final by his fifth year as an NHL head coach.  We can go right down the list: Mike Keenan had a conference championship in his first year with the Flyers; Pat Burns won a conference championship in his first year with Montreal; Ken Hitchcock was a Stanley Cup winner in his fourth season.  You get the idea.

In his 13^th year of coaching, Joel Quenneville has yet to advance past the Conference Finals.  If he ever does win it all, he would comfortably hold the modern-day record for most seasons coached before his first conference championship and Cup win.   

Verdict – If recent history is any guide, it’s surprisingly fact with a small percentage of myth mixed in.       

The Blackhawks need a legitimate tough guy to compete.  Expect a whole lot more of this nonsense in the coming days, especially after a game like the one on Wednesday night.  Hell, it only took the Daily Herald’s Tim Sassone a mere hour after the game to sound the clarion call for meatballs everywhere by asking if the Hawks need a legitimate tough guy.

Unfortunately, the argument always goes down the wrong direction.  The Hawks have plenty of physical toughness to play with the big boys.  Calgary and Vancouver can attest to that after trying to push around the Hawks in the playoffs last year.

Instead, for some reason, people seem to think the presence of someone like Matt Walker is going to deter opponents from putting clean checks on their players.  As if Willie Mitchell would have thought twice about sending Jonathan Toews back to Fargo if someone like Rockford’s Danny Bois was sitting on the Hawks bench.

It seems like some members of the Hawks’ staff believe in this fallacy only because they’re grizzled old hockey dopes who still believe in ancient rituals of the game that died off years ago.

Verdict – Busted, but someone in the Hawks’ organization must think it’s a fact.  How else does one explain Matt Walker playing in 65 games last year?

Antti Niemi is the goaltender more likely to guide the Blackhawks to the Stanley Cup.  Note the following season stat lines: 

Games	Wins	Goals Against Avg.	Save Percentage
42	25	2.33	.919
52	32	2.32	.920

The former, much celebrated, line is that of the Blackhawks’ Nikolai Khabibulin last season; the latter is Cristobal Huet’s combined stat line (for Montreal and Washington) during 2007-2008, the campaign before he joined the Hawks.

While we admit that one season, doesn’t a goalie make, we’re also not ready to support the euthanasia of the embattled Hawks’ starter before Halloween.  (We only support putting poorly performing NHL’ers to sleep after Thanksgiving.)  For now, we’ll let history be our indicator, and we’ll continue to wonder why back-up and NHL rookie Antti Niemi was greeted on Wednesday by the United Center faithful like he had captured Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands and a CB radio on Tuesday.

Barring any unforeseen events, Huet will find himself – and, hopefully, the puck – in the near future, and we’ll all be able to forget about our October of despair soon.

Finally, for good measure, take note of Niemi’s stat line from last year – in the AHL: 

Games	Wins	Goals Against Avg.	Save Percentage
38	18	2.43	.910

Verdict – Busted … unless you’re absolutely sure you want to pin your Stanley Cup dreams on a Finlander with five NHL games to his credit before last week.

It’s ok for the local media to talk hockey.  This is an interesting one.  Nothing ruffles the feathers of hockey fans quite like listening to someone like Dave Kaplan discussing the Blackhawks goaltender situation.  “Stop talking hockey!!! You don’t know what you’re talking about!!!” fans will shout. 

What they should really stop to ask themselves before they have an aneurysm is – How many rational sports media members are there in this town anyways?  Mondays after Bears games are a congregation of stupid.  The Cubs and Sox are considered lost causes after their first 3 game losing streak of the season.  Why should it be any different when the media turns its collective attention towards the Hawks?

If anything, we should feel honored they would even bother to take the time to share their thoughtless opinions with us.  Getting the attention of the media is the only way back on to ESPN.  So if you’re truly tired of the NHL sharing its home network with bull riding and fishing, while a channel boasting a guy flipping pancakes gets better ratings, then just see this as a means to an end.

Verdict-  Fact.  But we won’t blame you if you broke your television because you accidentally turned on ‘Monsters in the Morning’ during an impromptu hockey chat.

Central Division Off-Season – For Dummies

Bobby and I had the privilege once again to contribute to the fine publication known as The Committed Indian.  Here’s what we had to say.

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The 2008-2009 season was a banner year for the former laughingstock known as the Central Division.  Four of the five teams qualified for the playoffs (Detroit, Chicago, Columbus and St. Louis) and the only team that missed the playoffs (Nashville) was four points away from qualifying.  In a stroke of poetic justice, it was two teams from the Central that battled it out for the right to represent the Western Conference in the Stanley Cup Finals.  No need to re-live the events of that here.  Lord knows it would hurt like a Patrick Sharp spear to the groin. 

What we are here to do – besides diverting your attention from #14 in white and his beautiful, memory-filled beard – is help to keep score of what exactly happened this off-season in the Central Division.  After all, with six games to play against each team, we might as well get to know them now.  Without further adieu, let’s get down to business. 

Detroit Red Wings (aka Scum) - Perhaps no team in hockey faced as much turnover as the defending Western Conference Champions.  Gone from last year’s squad, among others, are Marian Hossa (40 goals) and Jiri Hudler (23 goals).  In their place come the immortal Todd Bertuzzi and Jason Williams.  Excuse us for a second as we pour champagne all over each other….OK, back to it.   

If Detroit’s braintrust is as smart as everyone tells us they are, it won’t take long for Bertuzzi and Williams to take a backseat to youngsters Darren Helm and Ville Leino.  Here’s hoping they don’t figure it out for a while.  Both rookies were ultra impressive during last year’s playoffs, while Bertuzzi has yet to adapt to the “new” NHL that debuted five years ago and Williams is downright incapable of playing in any even-strength situation. 

Also gone are Mikael Samuelsson (19 goals), Tomas Kopecky (79 games played) and the corpse formerly known as Chris Chelios (102 HGH/5-Hour Energy Cocktails). 

Until we’re proven otherwise, it’s still their division to lose.  After all, Ken Holland has made a career out of unearthing secondary scorers, and having three out of the NHL’s ten best players – that according to The Hockey News’ annual Yearbook – ain’t bad. 

Chicago Blackhawks - Do we really want to re-live the 20 car pile-up that was the Blackhawks off-season?  Yeah, we didn’t think so.   

But, we may or may not have watched CSN’s recent encore presentation of game four of the Western Conference Semi-Finals against the Vancouver Canucks together in interlocked fetal positions.  Suffice it to say we miss Martin Havlat’s musk, and when this is all over, we want to get an apartment together – preferably a studio. 

Please hurry back soon, Marian, so we can put the memory of the metrosexual Czech to bed once and for all.   

Columbus Blue Jackets - One of the biggest criticisms of Dale Tallon’s reign in the Blackhawks front office was his tendency to give a lot of money to players who may or may not deserve it.  Apparently, Columbus GM Scott Howson is cut from the same cloth.  This off-season he locked up Derick Brassard for the next four years at $12.8 million; he of the 48 career games and 27 career points.  And you wanted to slit your wrists when the Kris Versteeg contract figures came out. 

Antoine Vermette did a nice job for them when he came over at the trade deadline scoring 13 points in 17 games.  He was, in turn, rewarded with a five-year, $18.75 million deal.   

Former Hawk Sammy Pahlsson was signed on July 1^st to a two-year, $5.3 million deal.  This may have been the best move Columbus made all summer.  Seeing him six times a year will become quite the frustrating experience for all of us, especially those who damned him during his short stint as a Hawk last season. 

Finally, Howson averted a potential disaster by extending Columbus’ favorite son, Rick Nash, with an eight-year, $62.4 million deal that will kick in next season.  And, don’t fret, kids: Nash was scheduled to become an unrestricted free agent following this season, so neither Toews’ nor Kane’s impending deal will look anything like it.   

St. Louis Blues – A lot of people are predicting this year’s Blues will be last year’s Blackhawks; the young team taking the next step into the threshold of elite teams.  The Blues are banking on Paul Kariya and former first overall pick Erik Johnson returning from injuries as their key off-season acquisitions.

While Johnson may soon prove to be worthy of the number one pick, it’s worth noting Blues fans are already starting to question whether their team made the right selection with the first pick in the 2006 draft.  On the positive side: he’s given up golf.  No joke.  Blues’ President John Davidson probably would have settled for Johnson giving up 40-mph turns in golf carts, but one can never be too safe.   

As for Kariya, his best days may be behind him, but if he stays healthy, he’ll give St. Louis a second playmaker they desperately needed last year.  He’ll only be 35-years old this season; was a fulltime point-per-game player as recently as 2005-’06; and had 15 points last season in only 11 games.  Unfortunately, he also has the brain of a 74-year old man thanks to Scott Stevens. 

And, to insure themselves against goalie Chris Mason’s annual blow-fest, they signed Ty Conklin.  If recent history is any indicator, he’s good for about five wins this season over the Hawks. 

Nashville Predators – We’re sick and tired of writing off the Predators every summer and then watching them become a tough game night-in and night-out.  Not much changed this summer: the Predators lost forwards Vernon Fiddler, Scott Nichol, Radek Bonk and Antti Pihlstrom as well as defensemen Ville Koistinen and Greg Zanon.  Incidentally, they were also an answer last week on Jeopardy.  Question: Who are six NHL players who can’t be identified by their own mothers? 

In their place, they brought over career fourth liners (and that’s a complement for these guys) Marcel Goc, Peter Olvecky, Ben Guite and Ben Eaves.  If you haven’t heard of three of these guys and swear your sister’s friend dated the other, you’re not alone.  Somehow, though, the team will end up with 85 to 90 points, and you’ll find yourself cursing the day Gary Bettman ever decided to bring a franchise to Tennessee.   

The over-under for how many Chicago-area televisions will have a loafer thrown through them while the country lyrics of the long-time Predator goal song, “I like it, I love it, I want some more of it,” blare through the speakers: 316.  We’ll take the over, but keep your shoes on.

                                                                                                                                                 

For the second year in a row, it appears as though the Central Division will be the toughest division in all of the National Hockey League.  Each team will have their work cut out for them if they want to improve upon last year’s impressive performance.    

The race to the division title may turn into a battle of attrition and if it is indeed the Blackhawks who end up at the top of the hill, here’s hoping they still have something left in the tank when the calendar flips to April.

Three and a Half Men

Before I get to the main course, I guess I should probably address the numerous posts recently about Edzo and post game press conferences.  These things have NOTHING to do with the final outcome of the game.   Since when have people become so sensitive that they become absolutely outraged because a color commentator calls it like he sees it?  Right now, he’s an employee of Versus and NBC, not the Chicago Blackhawks.  Quite frankly, it’s an enormous waste of time and energy.

Joel Quenneville probably disagrees, but post-game press conferences are for the most part, an entirely pointless and meaningless exercise.  What Mike Babcock says after a game will not affect the next game and it shouldn’t make you want to rip his lungs out.  Why spike your blood pressure because a coach is giving his opinion? 

Ok, now that that’s finished, here’s what will probably end up being the final ”Committed Indian” article Bobby and I write for this season.  It’s a little different; hope you enjoy it.

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[John (J) and Bob (B) from FifthFeather.com enter a United Center conference room where they sit across from Rocky Wirtz (RW), John McDonough (JM) and Dale Tallon (DT).  An ominous figure stands in the shadows.]

JM:  Guys, thanks for coming.  We’ve been impressed with your work on the blog, FifthFeather.com, and in The Committed Indian.  We wanted to bring you guys in and see what your thoughts were on what we’re planning this summer.  And, no one’s giving up on these playoffs or beating Detroit yet; we’re just not sure you’ll be in The Committed Indian again before next season.

B: Well, thanks for having us. It’s our pleasure.  And, thanks for the complimentary Winter Classic pouch thongs, Mr. McDonough.  I haven’t seen these in stores…

J: Before we start, can I ask something?  How come you guys are always hounding the people selling The Committed Indians?  It’s their First Amendment right to stand out there.

RW:  Haha, of course I know that.  It’s just a tradition passed down in my family.  I put home games on TV for you; the least you can do is allow me to keep harassing them.

J: Fair enough.

DT:  On to business: As you know, we have some guys up for new paper this summer.  What do you guys think of a five-year, $10 million deal for Matt Walker?

[John lunges across the table.  Bob intercepts his outstretched hands before they reach the GM’s neck.]

B:  John, he’s joking!

DT: Of course I am.  Who do I look like, Pully?  Although I promised Q we’d sign Walker and that the two could be roommates on the road next season, his time has come to move on.

J:  Sorry, Dale.  Well in my opinion, your summer should break down like this: Get Barker, Versteeg and Bolland signed to reasonable contracts – nothing that will cripple your cap.  If they make it to July 1^st without a contract and some team is foolish enough to sign them to offer sheets you can’t realistically match, then wave bye-bye.  That will give you more money to re-sign Havlat, but under no circumstances should you sign him to anything over five years. 

RW: Interesting.

J: It’s also important to get Kane and/or Toews locked up sometime this decade.  The last thing this franchise needs is to re-live the 1998 season all over again.  And, you need to seriously ask yourself, is Dustin Byfuglien here to stay, or can we pull in a king’s ransom after half of Canada wants to adopt him after the series he put together against Calgary and Vancouver?

B: I agree with my partner, and I think it’s important to hold the course with the defensemen.  With Seabrook and Campbell already signed and Barker due new paper, it’s time to take care of Duncan Keith, who did you all a little favor by playing like James Wisniewski after four beers and a knee surgery during the playoffs.  If Keith is the ace of this defensive staff, perhaps this offseason is a good time to talk extension.  Let Walker and Aaron Johnson walk, and then out of Hjalmarsson, Sopel and Hendry, you should have a nice set of six or seven defensemen.   

JM: And, what did you guys think of the marketing campaign this year?

B: I thought it was terrific.  The Kane and the little kid commercial: outstanding.  We all could’ve done without the “W” flags, though.

JM:  Yeah, I know, I couldn’t help myself.  It’s just too easy.  People see anything that has to do with the Cubs and they drool all over themselves while they reach into their wallets.  I can’t explain it.

[Suddenly, someone bursts through the conference room door.  It’s a stumbling Bobby Hull (BH) wearing leopard print earmuffs!]

BH:  Is this the Legends Club? 

RW:  Oh, Jesus, Bobby.  Dale, call the B.H. Crew.

BH: Anybody hear the one about why girl goalies aren’t as good as boy goalies?

B:  Who’s the B.H. Crew?!?

JM: Oh, the Bobby Hull Crew.  They’re responsible for making sure Bobby doesn’t pass out in public or wear animal print earmuffs again.

[Well-dressed men in sunglasses and earpieces quickly enter room and remove the once-golden jet.  As he’s dragged from the room, Hull screams, “It’s because girl goalies have a bigger five-hole!”]

DT: Anyway, Mr. McDonough, if you don’t mind, I wanted to ask them their thoughts on re-upping Marty.

J: Well, my partner and I kind of disagree on this one.  If he’s not going to take a pay cut, I think you have to let him walk.  You can’t sign someone with his track record to more than four or five years.  If you think the fans will be upset with you for losing him to another team, just wait to see what they say when he’s making $7 million next year and playing in 50 games.  You’ll have a full-scale riot in the 300 level.  Not to mention, in his best season, he got you 77 points.  Kane gave you 70 in his second season and people felt like he left a ton of points on the ice.

B: Well, for me the question is, do you think Martin Havlat is more valuable than Byfuglien and Sharp?  A healthy and happy Havlat could give you just as much production as those two.  You sign Havlat; you find suitors for the other two, and everything could be hunky dory.

J: Now the whole goalie thing: how did that go down last year?

JM:  That’s on me.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I got drunk one night last year during the playoffs watching the Capitals and Flyers.  I begged Dale to sign Huet – practically held a gun to his head.

DT: You did hold a gun to my head, you psycho!

JM: Oh, it was a ‘Patrick Kane for Rookie of the Year’ squirt gun, Dale.  Get over it! 

J:  That’s fine.  Goalies are wacky.  He had a decent year and Khabby has been no great shakes in the playoffs.  As long as Huet gets off to a strong start next year that should get the fans off your back.  He’ll be fine.

[Another person bursts through the conference room door.  This time it’s former Blackhawk Michael Handzus (MH), and he’s crying.]

MH: Oh, Dale!  Dale!  Please take me back!  Please!  Chicago looks so fun!  The Kings are terrible, and I hate L.A.!

DT: Michael, you had your chance, and you blew it.  Forty points for a second line center doesn’t cut it around here anymore.

RW:  Security! Get this Encino man nutjob out of here.  Again, I apologize. 

J: No problem.

B: Maybe you guys should get a lock for this room…

J: So … when are you guys going to extend Dale’s contract? 

[The ominous figure now makes his way to the table.  It’s Scotty Bowman.  He whispers something to Wirtz and McDonough.] 

RW:  Ok, time’s up.  Thanks for coming in.  See ya in October.

Attack of the Newbie Douche Nozzles

Before we get started, I hate to be Debbie Downer about this, but its been eating at me all day.  I think we all might have a different outlook on last night’s game if Kyle Wellwood finished his golden opportunity.  Just before the ten minute mark of the third period, Steve Bernier completely undressed Matt Walker at center ice and came down on a 3-on-1.  Wellwood hit the post on the ensuing rush.  Five minutes later, Dave Bolland finished off his chance and that was that. 

That was the turning point in the game.  Even though Ryan Kesler had a 2-on-1 on the Hawks clinching power play, Campbell and Khabibulin played it so perfectly that there really was nowhere for him to go with the puck. 

Just for the record, Walker had one more shift after that and didn’t touch the ice in the final six minutes.

Ok, now that we’re done with that, the following was in Thursday’s edition of ‘The Committed Indian’.

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Well, here we are in May, watching Blackhawks hockey. For the Hawks fans who saw Lyle Odelein and Boris Mironov on the same blue line, this is far overdue. For the newbie fans, welcome. We at the Feather appreciate your help filling out the UC, and Hawks management appreciates that your money is just as green as everyone else’s.

There’s been a lot of hand-wringing this year by Hawk fans of yore over the newbies, but really, everyone has to start somewhere. You have every right to appreciate and learn this game just like the older fans once had to do. In the meantime, though, the last thing you want to do is make it painfully obvious to everyone in your section that you are, in fact, a newbie douche nozzle.

Here’s a list of things to remember to keep yourself from becoming that guy… 

But before we start, let’s make sure we’re all clear here:  This is NOT a couple of crotchety Hawk fans complaining about ALL the newbies.  95% of the newbies are fine; we love you for the mere fact that you help fill up the United Center on a nightly basis.  We couldn’t have done this without you, and we hope you decide to stay for good. 

No, this is to the minority of fans who are giving us all a bad name with their douche-like behavior.  And, finally, all of the behavior mentioned below has been witnessed by one of us at some point during this season at the UC. 

Don’t even think about flying a ‘W’ flag or buying a ‘W’ t-shirt.  This was cute before the Winter Classic, but it’s been five months since the New Year’s Day clash at Wrigley Field, and few probably even remember who won the game.  So, why are we still subjected to this garbage?  The Cubs have their own traditions; the Sox have their own traditions; the Bears have their own traditions; the Bulls have their own traditions.  Let’s leave them all at their respective stadiums.  We’re not going to show up to the Cell in July and applaud through the national anthem, and we’re not going to go to a Bulls game and scream, “SHOOT!” every time the ball crosses half court.  

Don’t attempt to leave your seat during play.  Just trust us on this one.  The beer can wait; the beating you’re likely to receive won’t.

Don’t substitute the word ‘Blackhawks’ into the songs, “Go Cubs Go” or “Go-Go White Sox”.  There’s nothing wrong with the song, “Here Come the Hawks”.  It’s just as cheesy as the aforementioned songs.  The Blackhawks have been around just as long as though two teams, so let’s let them have their own lame song from a generation ago.  

Don’t question why the Blackhawks aren’t wearing their Winter Classic jersey more often.  In case you hadn’t noticed, the Blackhawks’ jerseys are some of the best in all of sports.  While the Winter Classic jerseys were sweet, they still can’t compete with the beauties the Hawks wear on a nightly basis.  Besides, the newbie douche nozzles will have plenty of chances next year to wear their authentic Classic jerseys when the Hawks use them as their third jersey (assuming the newbies are still around at that point). 

Don’t ask why the players are wearing shorts.  Those aren’t shorts; they’re called pants, and they contain enough padding to stop a bullet from the barrel of a Civil War era musket.  If players didn’t wear those, the entire NHL would be on the injured list with the dreaded ‘lower-body injury’. 

Don’t ask why they sing “O Canada” before games involving a Canadian opponent.  We’ll give the benefit doubt on this one because really, other than the Blue Jays and Raptors coming to town a few times a year, no other opponents north of the border visit Chicago.  So maybe some people don’t know better.  With that being said, you would have had to have been cranked over the head with a sledge hammer too many times to ask a question like that in public. 

Don’t leave a playoff game early unless the Hawks are trailing by 2 goals or more and there is less than 15 seconds left. While the playoffs are new to all of us, let’s not forget the Hawks have already rallied from deficits of two and three goals just in the past week.  That’s not to mention that Boston University scored two goals in 35 seconds to force overtime in this year’s NCAA Championship.  So, when you exit early like that, you’re admitting to everyone you really don’t like hockey and that you’re just there because it’s the cool new thing to do. 

But, beware: newbie Hawk fans can’t necessarily count on the more seasoned Blackhawk fans to guide the way.  Newbie fans should immediately attempt to identify the uniquely drunken man in the sweat-stained polyester jersey procured from Gunzo’s in the early ‘80s.  While he looks like he has attended a large number of games in his life, as evinced by the cigarette behind his ear, he probably can’t recall any of them.  

Do not emulate this man.  And, if you can’t find him, just look harder. 

As you begin to study his behavior like a sociology PhD candidate in Central Park, you’ll notice he commits the three deadly sins of Hawk fandom, all of which involve yelling overly simplistic, uninformed instructions to Blackhawk players. 

First, the man will yell, “SHOOT!” on the power play.  Listen, Cam Barker was the third overall pick in the 2004 NHL Draft; he’s twice won gold with Canada in World Junior Championships; he played parts of five seasons of major junior hockey in the WHL; and, he’s currently an NHL defensemen.  He’s been the power play quarterback at each of his career stops, and he knows – I promise you – his team needs to “shoot” to score goals on the power play.  No one needs to tell him – even if the screamer plays “rat time” at Franklin Park twice a week. 

Next, if you listen closely, he’ll attempt to begin a “Detroit sucks” chant.  Nevermind you’re at a December game versus Anaheim with your newbie friends and the hated Wings have won nine of the last ten Central Division crowns; this guy doesn’t care.  

Finally, the man will yell “Hit somebody” repeatedly.  He doesn’t care the Hawks are killing a penalty or that the Blackhawk defensemen have been caught on the ice for 80 seconds.  ‘Tell someone who cares,’ he’ll say. 

We hope this helps. 

And, remember: we’re not doing this because of a selfish desire to ridicule or discourage new fans.  Quite the opposite, we’re doing this for your own well being.  Other grizzled veteran Hawk fans aren’t so nice, and we’d like to make sure your newbie season isn’t your first and last.

So, for all you newbies, follow these few, simple suggestions and you too can avoid becoming a douche nozzle.  The last thing the United Center needs to become is a safe haven for guys wearing two polo shirts with their collars popped.  The mere sight of that will kill the grizzled old meatballs.  

Come to think of it, maybe that’s not such a bad idea….

5 Wins

The following ran in Sunday’s edition of ‘The Committed Indian’.  Feel free to leave your thoughts on what game sticks out most for you.  Also, on unrelated note, for the next few days until Thursday, posts will be coming with more frequency during the day.  Anything that we feel needs to be addressed will be addressed quickly and accordingly.  So stick to the Feather to catch what we’re throwing at you.

Through the course of an 82-game NHL season, the difference between making the playoffs and heading to the golf course in early spring is tiny.  Last year, the Blackhawks mustered 88 points.  The eighth seed of the Western Conference, Nashville, had 91.  If the outcome of five games were different, the ‘Hawks would have found themselves playing meaningful hockey in April.  If only the ‘Hawks decided to play defense against Edmonton in a 6-5 overtime loss down the stretch or if Denis Savard tapped someone other than Cam Barker in a must-score shootout opportunity against Colorado, things may have been a bit different. 

With that said, the biggest reasons the ‘Hawks find themselves in the position they are in this year can be found in five games: ten points the ‘Hawks acquired that have them in fourth place of the Western Conference rather than tenth.  

What makes them more important than the rest?  Well, the answer is multiple.  Anyone can tallywack the Phoenix Coyotes and Dallas Stars eight times a year, but the ten points acquired in the following games were instrumental in defining this team and their position in the standings.  Without further ado, here are the five most important wins of the 2008-’09 regular season. 

5.  November 18^th, Blackhawks 3, Coyotes 2 (Shootout) — The two points weren’t as important as what happened in this one.  At the beginning of the second period, Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane each took a lazy penalty.  In his twelfth game behind the ‘Hawk bench, Joel Quenneville clearly had seen enough, promptly benching Sharp and Kane for the remainder of the period.  The ‘Hawks went on to win, and even if it was already there, respect for Coach Q was demanded in the dressing room.  It also set the tone for one of the most successful Thanksgiving trips since Mike Keenan waxed his mustache in the Stadium’s basement.

What Fifth Feather said at the time:  “With the game on his stick [during the shootout], Peter Mueller put it right in the glove of Khabibulin.  With that, the Hawks had their second shootout win of the year and their first win on the road trip that will save all of humanity.” 

4.  March 11^th, Blackhawks 3, Hurricanes 2 (Shootout) — Perhaps the biggest key to any season is limiting losing streaks and collecting valuable points during the bad times.  In hindsight, these were two enormous points because without them, the ‘Hawks would have had an eight-game losing streak late in the season.  Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews and Kris Versteeg each beat Cam Ward in the shootout after Dave Bolland blew a tire with twenty seconds left in regulation to give ex-Hawk Tuomo Ruutu the tying goal. 

What Fifth Feather said at the time: “When the NHL first came up with a 4-on-4 overtime concept a few years ago, this was the type of action they expected.  From the drop of the puck, there were glorious chances at both ends.  Kane was denied on another semi-breakway.  Just a minute earlier, he hit the crossbar on a rebound attempt.  Carolina’s Eric Staal was brushbacked on a wraparound attempt and then later on a breakaway as time expired.” 

3.  February 19^th, Blackhawks 4, Panthers 0 – On the surface, this game doesn’t look very special.  What fans forget about this one is that it was a 1-0 game for 50 minutes.  Moreover, the Panthers were one of the hottest teams in the league at that point.  In a stretch of 21 games, this was only Florida’s fifth loss in regulation.  On the other side of the proverbial coin, the ‘Hawks were in the midst of playing 12 of 14 games on the road.  Games like this were landmines for ‘Hawk teams of the past, usually resulting in thrashings that sent us into therapy. 

What Fifth Feather said at the time:  “After 40 tight minutes, the game came down to the third period, and the ‘Hawks dominated the frame for the second straight game. Just as they did up the road in Tampa Bay on Tuesday, the ‘Hawks took control with 19 third period shots and three goals.” 

2.  November 22^nd, Blackhawks 5, Maple Leafs 4 (OT) — On Hockey Night in Canada and the evening of Wendel Clark’s retirement ceremony, the Leafs came out to do some harm.  (This was obviously before they decided to pack it in and actually gave a damn.)  They led 3-0 halfway through and 4-2 heading into the third period.  The ‘Hawks looked like they wanted no part of this one and very easily, could have given up.  Twenty minutes later, it was tied and Dave Bolland finished it off with a wrap-around in overtime for two points. 

What Fifth Feather said at the time (in a running journal): “Two points in Toronto!  They come back from down three to win in OT.  Unbelievable!”

1. January 31^st, Blackhawks 4, Sharks 2 – The San Jose Sharks have only lost four games at home in regulation this year.  This was one of them.  Had the ‘Hawks not had a goal taken off the board thanks to a little known high-sticking penalty rule, the game could’ve been a rout.  Instead, the ‘Hawks fought through the adversity and played their most complete game of the season in a building that has been a house of horrors for them.  (It was their first win in San Jose since 2003.)  Captain Serious was the star, netting two goals, including a beauty where he roofed it right over Evgeni Nabakov’s shoulder from five feet out. 

What Fifth Feather said at the time: “Was this a ’statement game?’  Were the ‘Hawks really looking to show the Sharks and the rest of the NHL what they’re made of?  Maybe.  But, the statement was probably more of a statement to themselves:  ‘We’re alright.’”

The Soupy Effect

The following post ran in Sunday’s issue of ‘The Committed Indian’.  If you haven’t already, be sure to grab an issue before the next home game you attend.  Sam (he writes, edits, and sells the thing) does an excellent job of being satirical, logical, and is a photoshop wizard.  As I promised last week, here is our more in-depth look at Brian Campbell.

When the Blackhawks signed Brian Campbell to an eight-year, $56 million contract on July 1^st, fans from all over rejoiced.  For arguably the first time in franchise history, the ‘Hawks signed a free agent in the prime of his career rather than someone entering his twilight.  (See Gilmour, Doug; Clark, Wendel; Orr, Bobby; Nicholls, Bernie; Coffey, Paul; Housley, Phil; seriously, if you want us to keep going, we’ll be here all day.)  Following last season’s breakout campaign, the ‘Hawks had their sights set on making a public relations splash in the free agent pool. 

After perhaps a year of scouting, the ‘Hawks identified Campbell as the best available player in the lot and paid him like it.  The ‘Hawks even made sure no team outbid them for his services instead of putting up a sympathy bid that had no chance of being accepted.  (See Roenick, Jeremy; Tkachuk, Keith; Amonte, Tony; ok, that’s enough, we’re breaking out into hives again!)  With Campbell came the promise of someone who could quarterback the power play, lead the defense in scoring, and rush the puck up with his explosive speed.  While past seasons saw the Blackhawks’ power play run the halfback triple option just to gain entry into the offensive zone, Campbell’s arrival instantly meant the young ‘Hawk stars could shine, as Campbell could single-handedly do the job for the ‘Hawks power play. 

But, what no one should have expected was a shut-down defensive player.  If you did, you obviously didn’t see much of the NHL playoffs last year.

So now, just five months into an eight-year deal, Blackhawk fans are suddenly OUTRAGED that Brian Campbell is a shaky defensive player.  What part of his career +2 +/- rating made you believe he was Niklas Lidstrom?  To paraphrase the NFL’s Denny Green, “He is who we thought he was.”  If Campbell had only two goals and five assists this year, then by all means, the signing could be viewed as a disaster.  But, so far, he has seven goals with 39 assists, good for fifth on the team in scoring and eighth among all NHL defensemen; the ‘Hawks power play unit has been in the top-ten the entire year; and his speed routinely forces teams to give up their blue line.  And, if you really want to get into specific stats, check out his CORSI rating, as his is only one of the best on the team.

If Brian Campbell were a movie character, he would be Rain Man.  He does some things that make him look like an absolute genius.  The first 93 times he did a spin-o-rama, there was a buzz in the crowd, and his speed, at times, can be breathtaking.  Then, other times, he can look like a 51 year-old autistic man – specifically anytime he’s in the defensive zone.  Again, this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.  He was acquired with the warning label: Do not leave alone unsupervised.

So, where does all the hatred stem from?

No doubt, the majority comes from the enormous contract he was handed.  Is that really his fault, though?  Did he hold a gun to the collective head of ‘Hawk management and demand the obscene contract?  No, the ‘Hawks paid handsomely for him and when they did, the fan base celebrated.  Bells rang, doves flew, the stars aligned, and for once, everything seemed right in the universe.  Now, they’re either vomiting or contemplating suicide with message board acquaintances.  But, why?

On the whole, he’s scoring for the ‘Hawks and quarterbacking a power play unit ranked in the NHL’s top-ten nearly all season.  After 69 games, the ‘Hawk power play ranked sixth in the NHL; last year, it finished sixth from the bottom.  Yes, his defensive play, at times, can be downright offensive, but that is as advertised.  It certainly doesn’t help that his defensive partner, Matt Walker, is, at best, a fringe-NHL player.  We’re reminded of it on a nightly basis when Pat Foley says, “Amazing, this is Matt Walker’s 43^rd straight game – a guy who was on the scrap heap in the off-season.”  Memo to Pat: we realize you’ve been calling AHL games the last few years, but there’s a reason Walker’s agent was handing his resume around the league over the summer and why Walker started the year in Rockford: *whispers* He’s not very good at hockey.

Though, admittedly, Matt Walker has surpassed even the wildest of preseason expectations with his play this season, he is not the ideal defensive partner for Campbell.  Yes, he’s a stay-at-home defenseman, but that’s out of necessity; he can’t go anywhere else.  Walker is not nearly talented enough to help Campbell after a mistake or, alternatively, Campbell is trying to compensate for the fact that his partner isn’t very good and, thus, makes his own mental mistakes. 

Alas, we still have seven years left on Brian Campbell’s contract.  Due to the size of the deal and the current economic difficulties, there’s approximately a 99.2% chance he’ll be here for at least the next four or five, so you might as well accept him for what he is and hope Coach Joel Quenneville uses “Soupy” appropriately.  If you can’t stand the way he plays now, you’re going to drown in a puddle of misery come 2013 – and that’s if you didn’t jump off your parents’ roof with SavvysMyDaddy18 after Campbell’s performance against the Islanders last weekend. 

But, before you take the plunge, realize it could be worse: you could be wading in the six-year, $39 million cesspool that is the New York Rangers-Wade Redden pact inked this past summer.  Worse yet, imagine the public outcry had the ‘Hawks let the summer go by without adding a key free agent signing to the mix.  Your nausea, heartburn, upset stomach and diarrhea would have been hastened by nine months.

Ultimately, it may best for your health and the health of your families if you just enjoy the fact that the Blackhawks finally have an offensive presence on the blue line and a solid power play quarterback. 

Those are two things you haven’t been able to say since Doug Wilson’s beautiful Saget-like perm graced the cigarette smog that was the Chicago Stadium air space.  

Happy now?  Yeah, didn’t think so.

fifthfeather@gmail.com

Academy of the Fifth Feather

The following post ran in last night’s “The Committed Indian”.  If you haven’t picked one up yet before a game, you don’t know what you’re missing.  Last night, the ‘What your Hawks Jersey Says About You…’ was a knee slappers delight.  The next time I see someone strolling around in an Al Secord jersey, I’m running for cover.

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Welcome one and all to the first ever Fifth Feather Hockey Oscars where we take a look at all that is beautiful and not so beautiful from this year’s NHL campaign.  We hope the paparazzi were kind to you on the red carpet, and if you would kindly and quietly take your seats, we will begin this year’s award ceremony.  Unfortunately, our hosts D.B. Sweeney and Matthew Perry couldn’t make it tonight, so we will be your guides through each category.     

Best Supporting Actress - Alexander Semin: Following early season anti-Sidney Crosby comments, Washington Capitals’ winger Alexander Semin turned in one of the Academy’s all-time great performances on January 3, 2009 with Mark Staal of the New York Rangers.  As members of the Rangers and Capitals gathered in front of the Ranger net following a whistle, players from each team began pairing off.  Semin and Staal began wrestling, and Staal promptly and easily removed all of Semin’s upper body wardrobe before the two combatants fell to the ice together.  What happened next is Academy history: Semin jumped on top of Staal, startling the Ranger with a barrage of – what could most kindly be described as – womanly, open-handed strikes, apparently designed to fend off another woman or small child.  Perhaps Semin thought the youngest Staal brother in the NHL was a bongo.  Staal left the fracas unscathed; unfortunately, we can’t say the same about Semin’s reputation.  

Best Original Song – “Here Come the Hawks”: Maybe we’re a little biased in this, but nothing revs our engine quite like hearing this catchy little number.  Sure it’s hokey and cheesy, but that’s what we love it about it.  What all of us can do without is the little karaoke number on the scoreboard that’s played in between periods.  The last thing anyone needs to see is Brent Sopel trying to carry a tune or James Wisniewski looking at a sheet of paper like he’s never seen written words before.

Best Animated Feature – Sean Avery: When Brett Hull and the Dallas Stars decided it was a good idea to sign Sean Avery to a three year, $12 million deal, they probably didn’t take into account what kind of effect he would have a low-key veteran locker room.  The result was Mike Modano looking like the guy in “The Rock” after Nick Cage just punched a chemical ball in his mouth.  Avery and Dallas were just not a good mix.  It reached a boiling point when Avery let loose with his now infamous ‘Sloppy Seconds’ tirade, which can only mean bad things if you’re trying to win a Stanley Cup, but great things if you have a hockey blog.        

Best Costume Design – Retro-Inspired NHL Third Jerseys: The Boston Bruins, Buffalo Sabres, Edmonton Oilers, New York Islanders, Philadelphia Flyers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Toronto Maple Leafs and Vancouver Canucks spared us from more ugly vertical striping associated with the new Reebok Edge jerseys, and added retro-inspired, traditional third jerseys during 2008, proving once again, there’s just no substitute for horizontal striping on hockey sweaters.  Listen, we’re not exactly traditionalists, but the words “gold armpit piping” and “jersey” should never be spoken in conjunction with the NHL – but perhaps neither should “hockey in Nashville.”

Honorable Mention: Alexander Ovechkin stole the Breakaway Challenge during All Star Weekend by donning a hat and women’s sunglasses during a shot.  We’re not sure why this won him the vote, but maybe the ‘Hawks should wear shades come playoff time.

Worst Film Editing – Comcast Sports Net Chicago: Comcast’s insistence on goaltender close-ups following a save even when a dust-up ensues nearby is maddening – and, today, award winning.  

Best Actor - Gary Bettman: It was manifest destiny for the National Hockey League, he told us.  And, why wouldn’t it be?  With Wayne Gretzky’s trade from Edmonton to Los Angeles in 1988, the league was set to spread its proverbial wings.  But, moves to Phoenix and Carolina along with expansion to hockey hotbeds Atlanta, Nashville, Sunrise and Tampa Bay haven’t turned out quite as well as expected.  As of press time, seven of the eleven teams with the poorest average attendance called non-traditional, warm weather locals home.  Would the NHL dare return to Winnipeg with its tail between its legs? 

Best Actress – Sidney Crosby: On most nights, the Next One looks more like one of “Charlie’s Angels,” constantly yapping to the refs about who is treating him unpleasantly.  If the opposition breathes on him a little too closely, he’ll go off like a tripped alarm.  It’s no coincidence that a recent poll among NHL players conducted by ESPN.com found Crosby to be far and away the biggest complainer, collecting a whopping 52% of the vote.

Best Foreign Film – Alexander Ovechkin: Nothing says, “I love hockey” quite like a big-headed, gap-toothed, grinning Russian who will bowl over anything in his way to score a goal.  How great is he?  His ridiculous goal last week against Montreal – when he passed the puck to himself off the boards, made a spin move, beat the Canadiens’ defenseman around the corner, got dragged down, and then scored from the seat of his pants – is being argued by some as not even in the top-five of his greatest goals.  What else can you say about a guy leading the league in shots by a margin from here to eternity?  Though his style of play may not be conducive to a prolonged NHL career, enjoy him while you can, because he is truly a beautiful hockey mind.

Best Director – Rocky Wirtz: So much has changed in sixteen months since Rocky Wirtz took the reigns of what was formerly an honorable NHL franchise: perhaps coincidentally, the Blackhawks have at least two bona fide superstars; home games are now on television – not to mention, routinely sold out; the ‘Hawks are among the top point getters in the Western Conference; Bobby Hull, Stan Mikita and Tony Esposito once again proudly wear the ‘Hawk head; and, with the help of the NHL salary cap, the ‘Hawks are no longer considerably outspent by division and conference rivals.  Most importantly, though, the NHL is back in Chicago.  Just two seasons ago, the immortal Jeff Hamilton was third in team scoring with 39 points on the year.  Today, there are nine ‘Hawks with at least 32 points, and the ‘Hawks are on a collision course with home ice advantage in the first round of the playoffs.

Bravo, Mr. Wirtz.  Bravo.

Best Picture – The 2009 Winter Classic: It’s been nearly eight weeks since Wrigley Field was transformed into an ice rink, but the memories will last forever.  Like Mickey Rourke’s performance in The Wrestler or the ending of Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino, the Blackhawks/Red Wings New Year’s Day clash more than filled its goose bump quota.  From the National Anthem and fly over to the spectacle of “Vancouver vs. Nashville” on the historic Wrigley Field scoreboard, the day thrust the young ‘Hawks into the spotlight and made Chicago hockey fans feel involved in the NHL again.

Thank you all so very much for coming.  (Academy music begins playing in the background.)  We’d like to thank the Committed Indian for having us and our parents for instilling in us strong hockey values.  If there’s anyone we forgot to mention, we’re sorry; we’ll get you next year.

Waking up after a Saturday Night Raping

Since it’s a pretty slow Sunday and since my brain can’t comprehend a defensive combo of Zdeno Chara and Chris Pronger, we’ve decided to treat our readers to a little throwback article.  In the middle of January, Bobby and I wrote an article for ‘The Committed Indian’ recapping the mid-point of the ‘Hawks season to the theme of lines from the movie ‘Slap Shot’.  When we wrote the article it was game number 42 for the ‘Hawks, so if any of our explanations seem a bit dated, that’s why. 

And speaking of ‘Slap Shot’, is there anything more sacreligious than Hollywood remaking that movie?  How the hell could anyone possibly make that movie better.  My prediction is they cut half the storyline from the original (forget about seeing any of the players’ lives away from the rink) , focus squarely on the Hanson brothers, and turn in a turd of a movie that will result in half the viewing audience wanting to stab their eyes out with plastic forks.  Why don’t they remake ‘The Godfather’ with Vin Diesel as Michael and Anthony Hopkins as Vito next.  Without further ado, here you go:

Wow, so this is what the Committed Indian smells like. What an enjoyable scent. We at the Fifth Feather would like to express our appreciation by presenting you with the fifteen quotes from ‘Slap Shot’ that have helped to define the first half of the Chicago Blackhawks 2008-‘09 season. Why fifteen? Because that’s all we could fit into 1200 words.

‘What did the old man trade for these assholes? A used puck bag?’ – A favorite punching bag of Hawk fans, Dale Tallon scored a coo when he stole Martin Havlat, Patrick Sharp, and Kris Versteeg for the corpses formerly known as Mark Bell, Matt Keith, and Brandon Bochenski. Bell and Bochenski can both be found at an AHL rink near you, and if you want to watch Matt Keith, you better have racked up some frequent flyer miles.

‘You guys gotta stop losing, why don’t you get the power play together?’
‘Yeah, we’re working on it.’ – All Paul Newman was missing in this scene was a cigarette dangling out of his mouth and he would be a dead ringer for Denis Savard. Savard had plenty of time to prove his coaching worth by improving the power play but the ‘Hawks never finished higher than 24th in the league. Now, with Coach Q at the helm, the puck moves from side to side quickly and gone is the hideous breakout of skating Brian Campbell or Duncan Keith full speed to center ice and leaving a drop pass for a hungry penalty killer to pick up.

‘You want ice time, you come and tell me when you want to play it my way.’ -Following penalty problems, Quenneville benched stars Kane and Sharp in Phoenix after each took penalties. The ‘Hawks responded, decreasing penalties and losing only twice from mid-November until January 1.

‘There goes Jeff Hanson in the corner. I think it’s Jeff, no it’s Jack, it’s 17, I’ll have to check that later.’ – Look, we’re all thrilled to have Pat Foley back in our lives. The sound of his voice brings us to tears on a nightly basis. Also, we’re glad Dan Kelly’s demon eyes aren’t trying to possess us. But would it be too much to ask for Foley to be able to tell the difference between Dustin Byfuglien, Kris Versteeg, Dave Bolland and Troy Brouwer? The new drinking game du-jour among young ‘Hawk fans has become ‘Foley’s Follies’ and we’re tired of waking up after games in our own vomit.

‘Hey Walt, what are you doin?’
‘Makin’ it look mean!’ – This one goes out to Barry Rozner and the rest of the meatballs who thought the best solution for the ‘Hawks ‘08-09 roster was to add Reed Low, Tony Twist, Reid Simpson, Bart Simpson, or any other knuckle dragger. The days of carrying fighters who can do nothing else other than fight are long gone.

‘I don’t like the way they cover their jugs, all up with the feathers, ya know Reg?’ -We all love cute ladies in skates and tight clothing, but for the ladies’ sake, perhaps they should be trained to wait for the TV timeout light and the end of whatever brawl may be in progress. What we don’t need to add to any possible Boogaard-Eager fight is chicks with shovels.

‘The boys and I want you to have something – a memento. It’s a Chiefs key ring; you can’t buy these in stores.’ – Whether John McDonough is a sports “marketing whiz” is up for debate, but whether he’s among the luckiest men on Earth is not. Taking the Blackhawks’ presidency after Jonathon Toews, Patrick Kane, Duncan Keith, Patrick Sharp and Brent Seabrook were ‘Hawks made McCub’s job a lot easier. The CEO of General Motors could get 20,000 people to ‘Hawk games every night. (But, kudos to Pres. for his role in bringing the Classic to Chicago.)

‘You injured your knee in the Peterborough game?’
‘No’
‘No? I thought you had?
‘Cold, the runny nose, sore throat, all that.’ – When James Wisniewski and Adam Burish returned from Long Term Injured Reserve list in December, ‘Hawk management did the most sensible thing: they added Brent Sopel to the list for … well, we have no idea what it was for. The move underscores a relative luxury for the ‘Hawks: at least six NHL-caliber defensemen.

‘You know your problem Dunlop? You’re too old to play this f&^$#@ game’ – Note to any impending free agent: When you’re negotiating with a team and are demanding $7 million, don’t try and pull three other teams into it who don’t have the cap room to sign you. We’re looking right at you, Mats Sundin.

‘Dave’s out. Who’s going to take his place?’
‘Is the answer Jesus?’ – He isn’t Jesus but with a beard as beautiful as his, the Metrosexual Czech, Martin Havlat, is a close second. When Kane got hurt just before the Winter Classic, Havlat responded with five points in three games and was an offensive force whenever his blades touched ice. A lightning rod of criticism from ‘Hawk fans in his first two years, Havlat has been everything promised in the final year of his contract and much more.

‘I have a personal announcement, though. I’m placing a personal bounty on the head of Tim McCracken – a hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my men who really nails that creep.’ – Nearly four weeks after The Great One vowed revenge against Kris Versteeg and the Blackhawks for the savage beating Kyle Turris received at the UC in December, Wayne Gretzky sent 250 lb. Todd “Steel Face” Fedoruk careening into defenseless goaltender Cristobal Huet. Fedoruk – and his bromance counterpart Daniel Carciollo – did the brave thing, though, and waited until Blackhawk enforcers Patrick Sharp and Brian Campbell were out on the ice to settle the score.

‘Those guys are f*&^$#@ retards!’ – Yes, goalies are different, but what started as a total salary cap quagmire in net has morphed into a goaltending success story. The $13 million tandem has been rock solid nearly all season long, and as great goaltending often separates teams during the playoffs, here’s hoping the ‘Hawks keep both goaltenders for the stretch run.

‘Johnny always says you can just drink so much, screw so much.’ – The ‘Hawks best winning streak of the season is over, and the stretch run is upon us. The ‘Hawks nine-game streak ended, and they’ve gone 3-4 since. To make the playoffs as a top-four seed, they’ll need to limit losing streaks and group wins together through April.

‘Call Detroit, tell them bullshit.’ – After beating the Red Wings five times last season, the ‘Hawks have only captured two of eight available points during this season, and the teams’ only two remaining match-ups are the last two games of the campaign.

‘Sergeant, I knew Eddie Shore, Toe Blake, and the Rocket.’ – Even though he hasn’t had any impact on the team whatsoever this year, the thought of Bob Pulford sitting in some office on Lake Shore Drive screaming at any passersby, “I drafted Everett Sanipass! I traded for Mike Eagle” is enough to keep us warm on the coldest of winter nights.