Guido Tuesday!

If you haven’t at least heard of MTV’s Jersey Shore, you’re terribly disconnected; if you haven’t seen the show, let God have mercy on your soul.

A couple weeks ago, I got sick of hearing public interest groups and talking heads spout off about how an MTV reality show featuring “guidos” – their word, not mine – was ruining the Earth, so I checked it out.  What I found was some of the most “awesomely bad” television I’d ever seen – a group of young Italians clubbing, fighting, drinking, and otherwise setting the Italian culture back 150 years. 

In other words, it’s excellent.  You should – scratch that, need to – watch it.  So, as a primer, here’s a Blackhawk introduction to each of the show’s main characters.

And, remember: vanity is the devil’s favorite sin.

The Situation: Never short on self-esteem, The Situation’s nickname is something of a state of the union for his abs, which he believes make him “look like Rambo with his shirt off.” When he’s not out wooing ladies at a Shore night club, The Situation is doing his daily GTL routine: gym, tan, laundry. Early in the series, The Situation is shown with his shirt off at the gym as he utters, “If I walked in the door and saw myself … I’d probably grab my girl real quick.” Though Patrick Kane may not have a six pack bursting through his shirt, he’s experiencing no shortage of confidence and his Chicago-area pick-ups have become the stuff of legend.

Pauly D: The Italian DJ with a “blowout” from Rhode Island is a lot of things; “wingman” is chief among them. Early in the season, Pauly D played the role “to a t,” “jumping on a grenade” for his buddy, The Situation, hoping The Situation could get the glory – so to speak. Like Pauly D, Marian Hossa is a wingman. For example, this past summer, Hossa got his fellow former-Wing and countryman, Thomas Kopecky, into the proverbial club and onto the Blackhawks. At 12 years and over $60 million, Hossa wasn’t exactly absorbing an explosive, but he certainly helped his buddy get the glory. 

However, as far as I can tell, there’s no truth to the rumor that Hossa has the same private piercing as Pauly D.

JWoww: During pre-taping interviews, the girl known as J-Woww described herself as a praying mantis, saying that after she hooks up with a guy, she rips his head off. Conversely, anyone in the Blackhawk organization who’s not in bed with John McDonough is a lock to have his head ripped off. As many of you probably heard, JWoww had his contract extended until 2016 yesterday.  Hair plugs and implants for everyone!

Ronnie: Ronnie’s MTV profile includes the following sentence: “Ronnie might find himself in a brawl or two, but he is a lover who just wants to have a good time.” Ronnie also set one rule for himself before taping began: don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Adam Burish, anyone?

Vinny: The comparatively quiet male in the house, Vinny has, to this point, avoided a protagonist role on the show. But, every episode, you can count on Vinny to do the little things, like “beating the beat up” at the club or hooking up with his boss’ girlfriend. Much the same, Andrew Ladd has skirted top billing on this season’s Blackhawks, but he’s counted on to do the little things, like shutting down the opposition’s top line with John Madden or forechecking like his pants are on fire for a scoring line.

Sammi: Sammi describes herself as “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” When Duncan Keith isn’t kissing babies and helping old ladies cross the street, he’s competing for the Norris Trophy and Olympic gold.

Angelina: Angie was given the boot early in the show’s taping for failing to show up to work. (Yes, they work.) She thinks she is much more attractive than she is – she says she is the “Kim Kardashian of Staten Island” – and is generally unlikable. Just the same, Kyle Beach may be the most hated man in western Canada, as he struggles to make it out of each game without a fighting major or misconduct.

Snooki: A self-proclaimed “juice head” hunter, Snooki has taken her fair share of blows. During one of the show’s first episodes, Snooki absorbed the shot heard around the world, taking the brunt of a bar argument to the mouth. (For the record, she was punched by a man. He was arrested, and he’s since been fired from his job as a gym teacher.) Then, just a couple episodes later, Snooki plays the role of enforcer – as requested by one of her male roommates – and throws a couple unattractive women out of the rommates’ shore house. While attempting to shoo the women from the premises, Snooki was stung by a quick right from one of the larger, more experienced ladies. Similarly, Colin Fraser has become the punching bag of the Western Conference.

For our take on which Hawk matches best with each of the main characters of Lost, check out our piece from last February.

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8 Responses to Guido Tuesday!

  1. Dave Morris says:

    Where do Tony Esposito and Enrico Ciccone fit in?

  2. John says:

    I hereby declare that John McDonough will now only be referred to as JWoww until 2016.

  3. blackhawkbob says:

    Enrico Ciccone would spontaneously combust on the Jersey Shore.

  4. Otter says:

    What about Brouwer as the Situation since neither can finish?

  5. blackhawkbob says:

    Very well played, Otter. Where were you last night when I was writing this piece? Thanks for nothing.

  6. Razzberry says:

    This three day break is killing you isn’t it? 😉

  7. blackhawkbob says:

    It’s either killing me or bringing me to heights I’d never imagined. I prefer the latter explanation.

  8. Dave Morris says:

    Fifth Feather remains one of the few hockey blogs that doesn’t rely on “Puck Clichés for Dummies”.

    Thank you John and Bob; you hereby get The Eric Nesterenko Award For Hockey Intelligence.

    The only catch is that you two are buying the drinks as we celebrate.

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